Just When Life is Turning Around…

… and you are beginning to see your future with a renewed zest — Bam it hits you. You are crying. You are a mess. You are perplexed and you have no idea why. A flood of questions have risen, they linger waiting for answers which are not found. Every possible scenario runs through your head, nothing is matching up. You not only are sobbing but your hand is firmly pressed against your heart as you slowly breathe in and out attempting to alleviate the agony of heart-rending, coming-at-you-from-no-where pain.

Why Is THIS Happening?

As I revisited the past few days, I saw life was calling me yet my ability to respond was dwindling. I had become like a zombie walking, moving, and talking and yet on the inside I was slowly fading away. I am sleeping 10+ hours a day and I can’t seem to catch up. I am tired. I am tired of giving. I am all used up. I do not have an ounce left to give myself, let alone anyone else. This doesn’t make sense, how can this be happening? I take care of myself. I am eating well, exercising and sleeping. I have been doing fine, better than fine actually. My excitement for life has been increasing with each passing adventure. I am doing new things, meeting amazing people and having fun. This uninvited sorrow does not make sense.

As my mind went further back and quickly traced over the past few months, I had met someone who opened up my life to a whole new world. Our relationship started off with a mutual attractiveness, then took a quick right hand turn into becoming one of my angel assignment. We moved into the teacher/student role at his request. His eagerness to learn endured my heart to his. I see greatness in him, like I do in everyone around me. I believe in an individual’s ability to accomplish their heart’s desires. It is as if I don’t see people for who they are, even though I clearly see their flaws, I see them for the human beings God created them to be – perfect masterpieces. I have no desire or motive to change anyone. I am often brought into their lives during a crucial time when they are searching for answers or desiring a new path for themselves. Through wisdom, that is not of my own, I am able to point them to the solutions they seek. Often the answer is right in front of them.

Where Is My Answer? Why Can’t I See It?

As I witnessed the transformation in my friend’s life, something inside me was changing. My spirit was encouraged by his brokenness, repentive spirt, gentleness, and compassion. It was there I found the answer to a question that had been floating in my mind ALL of my life. “What is a man for?” His actions answered the question: A man is for protection, provision, love and acceptance and when a woman willingly places herself under his hierarchy she finds rest. It was at that very moment a huge breakthrough happened for me, I realized I want this kind of man in my life one day. Up until then, there wasn’t a place nor a need in my life for a man. When I felt he had graduated, I told him so and left it up to him where he wanted to take our relationship. He respectfully moved us into the brother/sister friendship stage. I respect his leading.

What Started “It”?

The past week I have been crying. There is an emptiness I cannot describe. A lot of what has been happening has been triggered by my new friend’s actions – though the response I have had has very little if anything to do with him. He sent me a thank you card for touching his life. I respect his thoughtfulness of sending the card and as a teacher embrace the kindness. My second-reaction caught me off guard, it was a numb feeling desperately covering a screaming voice within me… When I gave myself permission to feel, I was unprepared for what would come. I began to weep as I felt the searing pain of never having had someone (particularly a spouse) in my own life in whom I could say all those “thank you’s” to. The acknowledgement of this fact penetrated my core.

A few days later, my friend had made plans to join a few friends and me at an event. Later, he was going to sleep on my couch before returning home. I looked forward to seeing him and hearing about the progress he was making. He let me know he would not make it on time. No worries. His bed was made, plans of breakfast were made, as well as thoughts of wondering what time we would go to church together the next day. As the evening progressed, I checked the door and my phone every so often. I thought of how much fun my friend would have as the dance was the freestyle sort of dance he enjoys. I had ladies lined up for him to dance the night away with – this night he would not be dancing alone. Among all the faces there I realized I wanted to see his more than anyone else’s. He had become dear to me – he was family. Family had taken on a new meaning over the past few years it was a place of people coming together for safety and acceptance and for love and respect.

A Safe Haven Broken.

The dance was over, my friend never showed nor messaged me. Though thoughts of the harm that may have befallen him crossed my mind, I pushed them aside knowing if something were truly the matter I would know – my spirit would know. Nonetheless, I was left bewildered. My friend – part of my family – said he would do something, I prepared for him, he indicated he was on board, he jumped ship. The experience brought a flood of pain associated with the memories of broken promises and a second-place wife – where everyone and anything took precedence over my well-being.

By morning, a feeling of deep sorrow and heart-breaking pain flooded my soul. As I wrestled with a sea of emotions it was difficult to figure out  which thoughts and feelings if any had anything to do with my friend as there was nothing else claiming them. As the day progressed, I became very clear of a fathomless longing for the love of a safe man “a husband” in my life. With this awareness came a strong desire to be held by my friend. I knew that to ask him to be there for me would put both of us in a compromising place. I love him to pieces with a brotherly kind of love. His heart is very precious to me. I also knew I needed to withdraw any and all interaction with him to protect both of our hearts. With tears streaming down my face, I wrote the best Good-Bye I could. To be healthy comes with a great responsibility to not only look out for your own welfare, but to do what you can to ensure others keep theirs in tack.

The Sunset Meant I Had Survived Another Day.

As the waves of pain began to retreat, I could tell things within me were changing. I begged God to help me. If only I could make sense of and validate the gut-wrenching feelings which were fatiguing me I knew they would vanish. Admitting you are stuck or in need of help doesn’t always come easy. It is even more difficult when you cannot label the problem you are desiring to fix. I was stuck. My body was grieving without me fully comprehending why. I dropped into bed exhausted, thanking God the day had ended. I fell fast asleep.

I was awoken from a deep sleep with the realization, “Welcome to the 6th year anniversary of one of the most traumatic experiences of your life. Don’t ever forget how far you have come.” Post Traumatic Stress. Wow. Really? So I am not crazy after all. I will say it again. WOW. Did you know on the anniversary of traumatic events some people experience an increase in distressing experiences? I knew this but somehow had forgotten. It is hard to believe it has been six years since Mr. Nash and I parted ways. For me upon leaving ushered my body into a grieving process like nothing I had ever experienced before nor plan to experience again. All the years of living my life and not allowing myself to “feel” were over. That day many years ago, I truly began to live.

Through Great Sorrow And Pain In My Life, Compassion And Mercy Flow.

Going forward in celebration of living and loving me, I once again concede my emotions may whenever they feel the need have my permission to offer me a fresh reminder of a place where I am eternally thankful and grateful for having visited. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they simply are what they are.

I write this for one reason only. Someone out there needs to hear this. If you, or anyone you know, is in an unhealthy relationship and needing help returning to a place where you can be true to the heart and soul of who you are connect with me on Facebook. I am honored to share my life with you and inspire and encourage you into a life you may have not thought was possible.

All my love and respect, Sharon L. Nash

PS. I wrote my autobiography, “Live The Life You Choose.” to let women know there is someone who hears your pain. You can find it on Amazon or wherever books are sold.